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  #41  
Old 04-24-2010, 05:35 PM
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A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Tennessee with two ice chests Full of fish.

He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those Fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there Licenses.

You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back Into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the Truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the Warden says,

"Well?"

"Well, what?", says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH", replied the warden!

"What fish?", replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as most government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.
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  #42  
Old 04-24-2010, 08:46 PM
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I like it Howard!

Tornadoes are like southern divorces..... either way, somebody's losing a trailer....
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  #43  
Old 04-24-2010, 08:55 PM
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You'll probably like this one too (your's was awesome).

A fellow from Boston was in Louisiana visiting family. One day he decided to take a walk around the area where his relatives lived to enjoy their fine, comfortable southern way of life-- something he was not accustomed to, being from the north.

While walking he happened upon a pit bull attacking a small child. His instincts took over, and he ran to the child's aid. He grabbed the dog, pulled him from the child, and choked the dog until he was dead. As the dead animal lay at his feet, a man came running over from the other side of the street.

He announced that he was the star reporter for a big Louisiana newspaper, and he would make the rescuer famous. "LOUISIANA MAN SAVES CHILD FROM GRUESOME DEATH," the headlines would proclaim.

The would-be savior thought that this sounded great, but explained that he was from Boston -- not Louisiana. The next day the headlines of the Louisiana paper read: "YANKEE KILLS FAMILY PET."
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Old 04-24-2010, 09:50 PM
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I did, I did! I tried to rep you.
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  #45  
Old 04-25-2010, 09:52 AM
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What about Little Johnny jokes? I've got a TON of these....

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid.

Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, while the government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."
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  #46  
Old 04-25-2010, 10:42 AM
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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:
To get to the other side.

PLATO:
For the greater good

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:
Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
I forget.

HIPPOCRATES;
Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING;
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) , Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals in delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission,vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration paradigm. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN;
The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken "crossed " the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.;
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES;
And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the chickens, "Thou shalt cross the road". And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER;
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON;
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI;
The point is that the chicken crosses the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD;
Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, what the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

FREUD;
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES;
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.

OLIVER STONE;
The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN;
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross the roads.

EINSTEIN;
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

BUDDHA;
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON;
The chicken did not cross the road....it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY;
To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS;
FUCK! I missed one!
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  #47  
Old 04-25-2010, 10:48 AM
V V is offline
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For Iggy...

How many attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
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  #48  
Old 04-25-2010, 10:56 AM
V V is offline
Fuck you all...
 
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack". The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might say grace, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person". He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist".
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  #49  
Old 04-25-2010, 11:06 AM
V V is offline
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Children's books I've written, but cannot get published for some reason...

You Are Different and That's Bad

The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

Dad's New Wife Robert

Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share

Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

All Cats Go to Hell

The Little Sissy Who Snitched

Some Puppies Can Fly

That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

Grandpa Gets a Casket

The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

Strangers Have the Best Candy

Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

You Were an Accident

Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

Your Nightmares Are Real

Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Green Eggs and Crack
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  #50  
Old 04-25-2010, 01:53 PM
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Lisa Lisa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by V View Post
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
There was one more on the list:

JANE AUSTEN: Dear gentle reader, I married that chicken.

Quote:
Originally Posted by V View Post
For Iggy...

How many attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
Just reminds me - gotta get back to studying!
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  #51  
Old 05-02-2010, 05:25 PM
V V is offline
Fuck you all...
 
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What do you get when you cross a dead baby with a bottle of Astroglide™?

I don't know... but I can't stop eating it!
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  #52  
Old 09-03-2010, 11:20 AM
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Captain Russ Captain Russ is offline
Made Mr. T Cry
 
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Captain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The Fahey
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A guy walks into a library and asks for a book on Chilean miners.

The Librarian says, "Sorry, that won't be out till Christmas."
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  #53  
Old 09-03-2010, 11:34 AM
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Ben Thomas Ben Thomas is offline
Has left the building
 
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Ben Thomas is so fucking epic it hurtsBen Thomas is so fucking epic it hurtsBen Thomas is so fucking epic it hurtsBen Thomas is so fucking epic it hurtsBen Thomas is so fucking epic it hurtsBen Thomas is so fucking epic it hurtsBen Thomas is so fucking epic it hurtsBen Thomas is so fucking epic it hurtsBen Thomas is so fucking epic it hurtsBen Thomas is so fucking epic it hurtsBen Thomas is so fucking epic it hurts
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Ouch.
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  #54  
Old 09-03-2010, 12:01 PM
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Lisa Lisa is offline
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Lisa is so fucking epic it hurtsLisa is so fucking epic it hurtsLisa is so fucking epic it hurtsLisa is so fucking epic it hurtsLisa is so fucking epic it hurtsLisa is so fucking epic it hurtsLisa is so fucking epic it hurtsLisa is so fucking epic it hurtsLisa is so fucking epic it hurtsLisa is so fucking epic it hurtsLisa is so fucking epic it hurts
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I lulz'd!
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  #55  
Old 09-03-2010, 01:30 PM
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Captain Russ Captain Russ is offline
Made Mr. T Cry
 
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Captain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The Fahey
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaNY View Post
I lulz'd!
*mass high fives*
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You have to understand, these are people who work hard for a living. They have tough lives. Structured lives. They work all day, then they have dinner, put their kids to bed, go to sleep, and get back to the set at five o’clock the next morning. Everything else in life except for dreams has rules.
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  #56  
Old 09-13-2010, 05:24 PM
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Captain Russ Captain Russ is offline
Made Mr. T Cry
 
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Captain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The Fahey
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I bought a dog off a blacksmith. As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

BOOSH
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You have to understand, these are people who work hard for a living. They have tough lives. Structured lives. They work all day, then they have dinner, put their kids to bed, go to sleep, and get back to the set at five o’clock the next morning. Everything else in life except for dreams has rules.
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  #57  
Old 09-13-2010, 05:44 PM
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Abraham Smashington Abraham Smashington is offline
getting ready for summer
 
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Abraham Smashington is as epic as The FaheyAbraham Smashington is as epic as The FaheyAbraham Smashington is as epic as The FaheyAbraham Smashington is as epic as The FaheyAbraham Smashington is as epic as The FaheyAbraham Smashington is as epic as The FaheyAbraham Smashington is as epic as The FaheyAbraham Smashington is as epic as The FaheyAbraham Smashington is as epic as The FaheyAbraham Smashington is as epic as The FaheyAbraham Smashington is as epic as The Fahey
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lulz.
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  #58  
Old 09-20-2010, 01:53 PM
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Captain Russ Captain Russ is offline
Made Mr. T Cry
 
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Captain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The FaheyCaptain Russ is as epic as The Fahey
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Not mine, but in line with my hostility toward the Smiffs, it seemed like the appropriate time to be inappropriate.

FYI: somewhat racist with smatterings of blue language.

  Spoiler: CLICK FOR JOKE 
"Just seen a movie with a 2 foot black cock and a bunch of hard nips.

The original Karate Kid was better."
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You have to understand, these are people who work hard for a living. They have tough lives. Structured lives. They work all day, then they have dinner, put their kids to bed, go to sleep, and get back to the set at five o’clock the next morning. Everything else in life except for dreams has rules.
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  #59  
Old 09-20-2010, 02:31 PM
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Lisa Lisa is offline
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Muuuuhahhhhaaa!!

So wrong, AND YET...
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  #60  
Old 09-20-2010, 03:07 PM
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Abraham Smashington Abraham Smashington is offline
getting ready for summer
 
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hahaha
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