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  #21  
Old 03-14-2010, 08:25 AM
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A blonde and a brunette get thrown off the top of a high skyscraper. Which one hits the ground first?

The brunette. The blonde stopped to ask for directions.

(And see? Even at the expense of my fellow brunette getting splattered all over the place, that's a damn fine joke!)


Okay, so I'll lay off of the blonde jokes for now....

A little dachshund and a gigantic great dane are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office. The great dane turns to the dachshund and says, "So, whattya in for, pal?"

The little dachshund says, "Ehhhh, well, it's like this. I have this little habit of humping my owners' legs whenever I can, and they're getting sick of it. So - they're snipping my balls."

The great dane shakes his head in sympathy, and says, "Yeah, I hear ya, buddy. My mistress was getting out of the shower the other day, and dropped her towel. When she bent over to pick it up, I got one look at her bent over from behind, and I just couldn't help myself! I climbed up onto her back and just started humping away."

The little dachshund's eyes widen up and he says, "Wow! So, they're snipping your balls, too?"

The great dane says, "Naaah, just getting my nails trimmed."
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Last edited by Lisa; 03-14-2010 at 08:31 AM.
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  #22  
Old 03-14-2010, 02:41 PM
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A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this."
Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

COUNSELOR: What's the problem, you look depressed?

GUY: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

COUNSELOR: Relax, buddy! Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

GUY: Sure, I love to drink.

COUNSELOR: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

GUY: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

COUNSELOR: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you're already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

GUY: Well, in my younger days I experimented a little...

COUNSELOR: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead! You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

GUY: Yes, I love to gamble.

COUNSELOR: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

GUY: Well, no I'm not.

COUNSELOR: Oooooooh... then you're really not going to like Fridays!
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  #23  
Old 03-19-2010, 07:41 AM
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Helen Keller joke time!!! I'd like to dedicate this post to my two brothers - one six years older than me, the other ten years older than me - who saw fit to make sure their little sister knew every Helen Keller joke in the book by the time I was seven... then they'd send me in to my mother to repeat them! Just for that, it was worth it! (Of course, let me preface this by saying they taught me all the Helen Keller jokes except for the masturbation one, naturally! I learned that in third grade on the playground during recess.)

1. How did Helen Keller's mother punish her (two different versions with different answers).
a) She rearranged all the furniture (Standard answer, been done before - learned that one from my brothers).
b) She put doorknobs on all the walls (Learned this one years later. Spectacular answer! The visual alone has kept me giggling since 1982).

2. What did Helen Keller name her dog?
"Mrfpewarrrrwrewreppvhhg"

3. Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You'd run away too if your name was "Mrfpewarrrwrewreppvhhg".

4. Why did Helen Keller play piano with one hand?
So she could sing with the other.

5. How did Helen Keller burn her face?
She tried to answer the iron.

6. How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
She tried to read the waffle iron.

7. Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she could moan with the other (again - not my brothers. They were weird, but not that weird).

Am I missing any? I think that's all of them!
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  #24  
Old 03-19-2010, 07:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaNY View Post
5. How did Helen Keller burn her face?
She tried to answer the iron.
We would have also accepted 'bobbing for french fries'...
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  #25  
Old 03-19-2010, 08:30 AM
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We would have also accepted 'bobbing for french fries'...
YES! Excellent alternate answer! (Haaaah!! Again - just the visual!)
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  #26  
Old 03-19-2010, 10:53 AM
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'Hello, and welcome to 'To Tell The Truth! Contestant Number One, what's your name?'
'Hi, I'm Helen Keller'
'Contestant Number Two, what's YOUR name?'
'Hi, my name is Helen Keller'
'And finally, Contestant Number Three, what's YOUR name?'
'MPPHHjkhkjhkGHGGGGGKjgjhy'
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Originally Posted by Martin View Post
Who the fuck is Kellan Lutz?
Quote:
Originally Posted by gravedigger View Post
Basically what I'm saying is that, based on what I've watched so far, we should all listen to Matt more often.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martin View Post
And who the FUCK is Peaches Geldof?
Kellan Lutz's girlfriend?
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  #27  
Old 03-19-2010, 11:30 AM
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Hah!! Love it, I never heard that one before!
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  #28  
Old 03-19-2010, 05:15 PM
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Gotta go back to a blonde one...My sister is blonde, so I learned many.


A blonde wearing headphones walks into a dry cleaners and drops some clothes on the counter. The guy there looks up and says 'hi' and proceeds to hand her a pick-up ticket. She immediately turns around and walks out, never saying a word.

This goes on for a few visits. Always the same thing: walks in wearing headphones, takes the clothes and walks out, never once saying a word. The guy working there just thinks this is too weird and resolves to ask her about it next time she comes in.

So this time about a week goes by before she comes in and as she's laying the clothes down on the counter the man jumps up and snatches the headphones off her ears and asks, "What's the deal, lady? Why don't you ever say anything?"

With that the blonde falls over dead. The man, perplexed, puts on the headphones trying to figure out what the hell is going on and he hears: "Breath in. Breath out. Breath in. Breath out."
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  #29  
Old 03-19-2010, 05:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt View Post
'Hello, and welcome to 'To Tell The Truth! Contestant Number One, what's your name?'
'Hi, I'm Helen Keller'
'Contestant Number Two, what's YOUR name?'
'Hi, my name is Helen Keller'
'And finally, Contestant Number Three, what's YOUR name?'
'MPPHHjkhkjhkGHGGGGGKjgjhy'
Also, what did Helen Keller name her pet dog?





"EEEGHLAAAAAA"
Quote:
Originally Posted by ingrid View Post
Gotta go back to a blonde one...My sister is blonde, so I learned many.


A blonde wearing headphones walks into a dry cleaners and drops some clothes on the counter. The guy there looks up and says 'hi' and proceeds to hand her a pick-up ticket. She immediately turns around and walks out, never saying a word.

This goes on for a few visits. Always the same thing: walks in wearing headphones, takes the clothes and walks out, never once saying a word. The guy working there just thinks this is too weird and resolves to ask her about it next time she comes in.

So this time about a week goes by before she comes in and as she's laying the clothes down on the counter the man jumps up and snatches the headphones off her ears and asks, "What's the deal, lady? Why don't you ever say anything?"

With that the blonde falls over dead. The man, perplexed, puts on the headphones trying to figure out what the hell is going on and he hears: "Breath in. Breath out. Breath in. Breath out."
YES.
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  #30  
Old 03-19-2010, 05:58 PM
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fuck nevermind I guess I should read the thread
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  #31  
Old 03-19-2010, 05:59 PM
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of course she died...she was listening to Bush.
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Originally Posted by Martin View Post
Who the fuck is Kellan Lutz?
Quote:
Originally Posted by gravedigger View Post
Basically what I'm saying is that, based on what I've watched so far, we should all listen to Matt more often.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martin View Post
And who the FUCK is Peaches Geldof?
Kellan Lutz's girlfriend?
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  #32  
Old 03-19-2010, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Matt View Post
of course she died...she was listening to Bush.
ahahahhaaaaaa dammit I can't rep you
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  #33  
Old 03-19-2010, 08:11 PM
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Neither can I...

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
So naturally, the wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you! I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes... I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem! It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty five." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
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  #34  
Old 03-19-2010, 08:19 PM
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A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies" I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees takes a few big swigs and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle immediately puts the cap on and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
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  #35  
Old 03-19-2010, 08:47 PM
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I LULZ'd, Vin! That was a good one!

A woman is going through a bitter divorce with her husband, and it's gotten really ugly. He's taking her for nearly everything she has, PLUS he was cheating on her.

So, distraught, she takes a walk on the beach to try and clear her head, when she sees a magic lamp wash up on shore. She picks it up, and as she's wiping the sand off of it, a cloud of pink smoke rolls out, and a genie pops up in front of her!

He says, "Thank you for freeing me! I'm going to grant you three wishes - BUT... I already know of your predicament with your divorce. And I must inform you, that whatever you wish for, your soon-to-be ex-husband will get double."

She's shocked - she says, "so if I wish for millions of dollars, that son of a bitch gets TWICE my amount? How is that fair?"

The genie can't help her, so he suggests she try to put it out of her head, and let him know what her three wishes are.

She says, "Okay - I'd like $100 billion... even though it means that asshole will get $200 billion."

The genie says, "Your wish is granted. The next time you check your bank statement, the money will be there."

She says, "Okay, what else? I'd like a gorgeous mansion on the French Riviera. Of course, that no good rat will get TWO mansions."

The genie tells her, "It is granted. After we're done, I'll blink you over to your new mansion."

She tries to think of a third wish. She doesn't want to waste it, she wants it to be a good one. But what to wish for, knowing her ex will get twice what she's getting?

Suddenly, she has an idea. "Genie", she asks, "How about you scare me half to death?"
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  #36  
Old 03-20-2010, 12:36 AM
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Three killer jokes in a row...very nice.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Martin View Post
Who the fuck is Kellan Lutz?
Quote:
Originally Posted by gravedigger View Post
Basically what I'm saying is that, based on what I've watched so far, we should all listen to Matt more often.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martin View Post
And who the FUCK is Peaches Geldof?
Kellan Lutz's girlfriend?
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  #37  
Old 03-22-2010, 06:12 PM
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A small town has a monastery on one end, and convent on the other. The nuns need some supplies, so one of the priests is sent to deliver them. It’s a nice day, so he decides to walk the supplies over.

As he gets to the edge of town, a hooker approaches him and asks, “Hey father, how ’bout a blowjob, 25 bucks?”

The priest says, “What’s a blowjob?” at which the hooker laughs and walks away.

At the center of town, another hooker asks the same thing, with the same result.

At the other edge of town, still another hooker asks him the same question, to which the priest again replies, “What’s a blowjob?” And, again, she laughs and walks off.

Finally the priest reaches the convent, knocks on the door, and delivers the supplies. Before he leaves, he says to the mother superior, “May I ask you a question, sister?”

“Of course,” she says.

“What’s a blowjob?” the priest asks.

“Twenty-five bucks,” says the nun, “same as in town.”
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  #38  
Old 03-22-2010, 06:27 PM
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What'd the hipster say when he walked into the bar?

There are too many fucking hipsters here, let's leave.
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  #39  
Old 03-22-2010, 06:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by V View Post
What'd the hipster say when he walked into the bar?

There are too many fucking hipsters here, let's leave.
I've done this.
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"You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. But I never forget. I'm living like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't one." - Don Draper

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  #40  
Old 04-23-2010, 06:06 PM
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What do you call a Muslim with a goat and a sheep?

Bisexual...
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